A few changes...
Well, this weekend was a lot of fun, I went to a Fur Gathering where ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pistolpup DJed, and I helped with the setup and configuration. I met a lot of interesting people, enjoyed the music and had some great conversations. But it was also an eventful weekend for me, as I had become sure that my current medication was in the wrong dosage. I kept on having panic attacks and insomnia, and all sort of other things. So, I figured that the dosage was either wrong, or the medication needed to be changed. So my choices were either decrease the dosage, increase it, or go off it. The most prudent thing I decided was to decrease the dosage, which I did. And things did indeed get better. Many of the side effects have decreased, I am no longer having panic attacks that keep me awake at night. And I started to realize how screwed up I've been for many years.
I went and deleted my porn video collection, as I realized I was just using it as a crutch. No, I haven't turned into a prude or anything, I just don't need that amount of porn. And I can use the space on my hard drive for better things.
I am now seeing how stupid certain descisions I have made are, and now I need to steer a new course. Far too often recently I have been willing to make changes in my life, but never fully committing to them. Sort of like someone who decides to learn how to swim, but jumps into the water with a drysuit to prevent them from getting wet, and a personal floatation device so they won't sink....even though the water is only up to their waist! There has been relationships where I was just happy to have a relationship, but not willing to commit fully to it, or work to grow it. And a lot of the things that I though were good ideas, or stuff that I needed, were not.
No, I am not changing my politics, or my beliefs, or sexuality, or anything like that. I used to be a moderatly gregarious person, a lot more open to meeting people for the first time, willing to hug people and give backrubs. Instead, I've been avoiding making phone calls to people I don't know. I've been retreating from friends and potential friends. I've based so many things on only one example, rather than many, and thus made some very stupid mistakes. I've put up with things I shouldn't have, and haven't demanded what I should have.
So, I'm am going to make some changes. Slowly, and well informed. And with any luck, and the help of the Gods, they will be good changes.
ttyl
pistolpup DJed, and I helped with the setup and configuration. I met a lot of interesting people, enjoyed the music and had some great conversations. But it was also an eventful weekend for me, as I had become sure that my current medication was in the wrong dosage. I kept on having panic attacks and insomnia, and all sort of other things. So, I figured that the dosage was either wrong, or the medication needed to be changed. So my choices were either decrease the dosage, increase it, or go off it. The most prudent thing I decided was to decrease the dosage, which I did. And things did indeed get better. Many of the side effects have decreased, I am no longer having panic attacks that keep me awake at night. And I started to realize how screwed up I've been for many years. I went and deleted my porn video collection, as I realized I was just using it as a crutch. No, I haven't turned into a prude or anything, I just don't need that amount of porn. And I can use the space on my hard drive for better things.
I am now seeing how stupid certain descisions I have made are, and now I need to steer a new course. Far too often recently I have been willing to make changes in my life, but never fully committing to them. Sort of like someone who decides to learn how to swim, but jumps into the water with a drysuit to prevent them from getting wet, and a personal floatation device so they won't sink....even though the water is only up to their waist! There has been relationships where I was just happy to have a relationship, but not willing to commit fully to it, or work to grow it. And a lot of the things that I though were good ideas, or stuff that I needed, were not.
No, I am not changing my politics, or my beliefs, or sexuality, or anything like that. I used to be a moderatly gregarious person, a lot more open to meeting people for the first time, willing to hug people and give backrubs. Instead, I've been avoiding making phone calls to people I don't know. I've been retreating from friends and potential friends. I've based so many things on only one example, rather than many, and thus made some very stupid mistakes. I've put up with things I shouldn't have, and haven't demanded what I should have.
So, I'm am going to make some changes. Slowly, and well informed. And with any luck, and the help of the Gods, they will be good changes.
ttyl