![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I'm back for a while...
May. 16th, 2020 01:31 amI'm feeling the need to write about things, and Facebook is definitely not the place to do so about the subjects I want to talk about. A lot of this is very depressing, and might be disturbing as well. I admit some things that I have only recently come to accept. And even if no one reads it, I needed to write it out for myself. I really should be talking about this to my counsellor, but she has been off on extended maternity leave, and she won't be available until sometime this summer. Hopefully, this will help for now, and maybe explain some things that may have been puzzling some people.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
As some of you know, I have been suffering from depression since, well, maybe as far back as the turn of the century, possibly even back to childhood . But it has been the most severe since 2012, when I was diagnosed with macular degeneration, and told I was going blind. Then my dad died, and left me taking care of my mom who was suffering from dementia. She died three years after that, and then I had to do the same for her sister, my aunt. But my aunt had a legacy that she left to my sister and I, and I now have a chance to reset my life. In part, this document is to try to get some perspective on things by writing them down. As I go along, I will be posting periodically here just to get my thoughts out as I pursue this part and time of my life.
Some of my problems that I need to work on are:
My weight:
I have recently recently come to the realization that there are a couple of reasons that I have put on a lot of weight. The first is that I have forgotten, or lost, the ability to enjoy things. The only thing that I found any joy in is food. All the foods that I ate as "celebration" as a kid were the ones that I was eating a lot of, since they made me feel better. So that was a lot of pizza, coke, ice cream. In this, they helped me get through this depression, and I am glad I didn't latch onto any other thing that are common for people to use like drugs, or alcohol.
Abused:
Add to this the fact that I was sexually abused by my parish priest in my early teens. Only recently, say the past five or six years, have I begun to remember what happened. But I always sort of knew, but didn't want to consciously acknowledge it. I told myself and others a story that I had seen the danger, and managed to avoid it. But I know that is not true. I didn't escape it until it was too late.
But it has had the side effect that I have been afraid of sex. Much as my body wanted it, my mind equated it with abuse. And so I unconsciously gained weight to make myself less attractive, less of a target to be harassed. Less chance of a becoming a victim again. On one hand, I desired sex...but I have been afraid of it. I have been to the point of actually starting to take off clothes, and I have literally run away. In other situations I can see that I unconciously sabotaged things.
Compensating:
I need to work on consciously realizing that there are more things that I enjoy other than food in life, to get back to doing them, and enjoying them. That's why I have been immersing myself into aviation again. It is something I spend a lot of enjoyable time in my youth pursuing, including 4 years in Air Cadets. I need to start doing music again...and that is something I can hardly do now because of my current living situation. I need to break free of this final bound that has kept me safe, maybe a new living situation for my new life.
I also need to reverse the effects of this on my body. I have been working on changing my eating habits, with some success...and some fall backs...but a slow progression forward. I am eating a lot less, drinking a lot less coke. Now I need to become active in working on my body, and join a gym, and go at least three times a week.
Living Space:
I need to make a break with my current living situation. I am bound by it, and I need to break free of it to redefine myself. When I moved into here, I didn't see it as a permanent place...just someplace to be as I got my life together. That's why I never put up posters, etc. Add to that, depression has leached almost all of my energy to do anything. And my space, never mind the common spaces, are a real mess. I have never been a neat person, but not as messy as this. Depression feeds into the messiness, and messiness feeds back into the depression.
I was much, much better when I had my house on Carling. If that job at HP had continued, I think I might have been able to persevere through things, but HP letting all of their contractors go, then the diagnoses of macular degeneration really kicked my legs out from underneath me. I may be here for a while longer...but I need to make a change.
Possessions:
Coming into my aunt's legacy, I have come to realize that many of the things I have, I have gotten so that i don't feel poor. I grew up on the edge of being poor. Having lots of things made me feel like I had something to be a real person. I probably don't need most of what I have. I don't use most of it, although part of that is depression, and not having a place to set them up. I guess I will be getting rid of a lot of things. I need to get rid of things I don't use, things that I have kept "in case of...", things that are simply memories. I fully expect that I will be getting rid of at least half of my stuff.
Social Interactions:
I need to get out more. Most of the people I used to do stuff with are busy, having lives of their own, and with the Covid-19 pandemic, I feel even more isolated. Hopefully that will change in the future. In the meantime, I *should* try to get out and meet people and do stuff with. The fact that I am fairly shy, sometimes to the point of social anxiety doesn't help. Maybe medication for social anxiety would help.
---------------> break of a couple of months <---------------
I have been writing this post on and off for a couple of months now. In February, I came close to death due to the Flu...although I am thinking it is more likely I had Covid-19, but had a false negative test. I had all the classic symptoms, and I am now suffering from one of the more dangerous after effects, heart problems. I heart can't keep a steady rhythm, and it races at times. This has caused me to be put on twice the number of medications I was on before. Once the heart problem is sorted out, I need to get with a gym once they open up again. I can start doing stuff outside, but need good weather for that...This is the Victoria Day weekend, and at least two days look good. I am going to try to get out and do a bit of walking. I currently can't walk far, but near or far, I need to do some exercise!
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
As some of you know, I have been suffering from depression since, well, maybe as far back as the turn of the century, possibly even back to childhood . But it has been the most severe since 2012, when I was diagnosed with macular degeneration, and told I was going blind. Then my dad died, and left me taking care of my mom who was suffering from dementia. She died three years after that, and then I had to do the same for her sister, my aunt. But my aunt had a legacy that she left to my sister and I, and I now have a chance to reset my life. In part, this document is to try to get some perspective on things by writing them down. As I go along, I will be posting periodically here just to get my thoughts out as I pursue this part and time of my life.
Some of my problems that I need to work on are:
My weight:
I have recently recently come to the realization that there are a couple of reasons that I have put on a lot of weight. The first is that I have forgotten, or lost, the ability to enjoy things. The only thing that I found any joy in is food. All the foods that I ate as "celebration" as a kid were the ones that I was eating a lot of, since they made me feel better. So that was a lot of pizza, coke, ice cream. In this, they helped me get through this depression, and I am glad I didn't latch onto any other thing that are common for people to use like drugs, or alcohol.
Abused:
Add to this the fact that I was sexually abused by my parish priest in my early teens. Only recently, say the past five or six years, have I begun to remember what happened. But I always sort of knew, but didn't want to consciously acknowledge it. I told myself and others a story that I had seen the danger, and managed to avoid it. But I know that is not true. I didn't escape it until it was too late.
But it has had the side effect that I have been afraid of sex. Much as my body wanted it, my mind equated it with abuse. And so I unconsciously gained weight to make myself less attractive, less of a target to be harassed. Less chance of a becoming a victim again. On one hand, I desired sex...but I have been afraid of it. I have been to the point of actually starting to take off clothes, and I have literally run away. In other situations I can see that I unconciously sabotaged things.
This has left me really screwed up about sex and/or relationships with women. For the longest time I didn't know why I ran away. I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't. About five years ago, I decided that I really shouldn't be pursuing relationships until I knew that I wasn't so screwed up that I would be sabotaging them. consciously or unconsciously as that wasn't fair to anyone.
I also need to realize consciously that I am not a victim, and that I won't be a victim ever again. That I can love people and they can love me, and that sex not something is that icky and has bad associations. That may take some time. I do know some things. I don't find men attractive, I am happy with my gender, and I don't find trees or donkeys sexually attractive :-). There is no rush about this, and there shouldn't be one.Compensating:
I need to work on consciously realizing that there are more things that I enjoy other than food in life, to get back to doing them, and enjoying them. That's why I have been immersing myself into aviation again. It is something I spend a lot of enjoyable time in my youth pursuing, including 4 years in Air Cadets. I need to start doing music again...and that is something I can hardly do now because of my current living situation. I need to break free of this final bound that has kept me safe, maybe a new living situation for my new life.
I also need to reverse the effects of this on my body. I have been working on changing my eating habits, with some success...and some fall backs...but a slow progression forward. I am eating a lot less, drinking a lot less coke. Now I need to become active in working on my body, and join a gym, and go at least three times a week.
Living Space:
I need to make a break with my current living situation. I am bound by it, and I need to break free of it to redefine myself. When I moved into here, I didn't see it as a permanent place...just someplace to be as I got my life together. That's why I never put up posters, etc. Add to that, depression has leached almost all of my energy to do anything. And my space, never mind the common spaces, are a real mess. I have never been a neat person, but not as messy as this. Depression feeds into the messiness, and messiness feeds back into the depression.
I was much, much better when I had my house on Carling. If that job at HP had continued, I think I might have been able to persevere through things, but HP letting all of their contractors go, then the diagnoses of macular degeneration really kicked my legs out from underneath me. I may be here for a while longer...but I need to make a change.
Possessions:
Coming into my aunt's legacy, I have come to realize that many of the things I have, I have gotten so that i don't feel poor. I grew up on the edge of being poor. Having lots of things made me feel like I had something to be a real person. I probably don't need most of what I have. I don't use most of it, although part of that is depression, and not having a place to set them up. I guess I will be getting rid of a lot of things. I need to get rid of things I don't use, things that I have kept "in case of...", things that are simply memories. I fully expect that I will be getting rid of at least half of my stuff.
Social Interactions:
I need to get out more. Most of the people I used to do stuff with are busy, having lives of their own, and with the Covid-19 pandemic, I feel even more isolated. Hopefully that will change in the future. In the meantime, I *should* try to get out and meet people and do stuff with. The fact that I am fairly shy, sometimes to the point of social anxiety doesn't help. Maybe medication for social anxiety would help.
---------------> break of a couple of months <---------------
I have been writing this post on and off for a couple of months now. In February, I came close to death due to the Flu...although I am thinking it is more likely I had Covid-19, but had a false negative test. I had all the classic symptoms, and I am now suffering from one of the more dangerous after effects, heart problems. I heart can't keep a steady rhythm, and it races at times. This has caused me to be put on twice the number of medications I was on before. Once the heart problem is sorted out, I need to get with a gym once they open up again. I can start doing stuff outside, but need good weather for that...This is the Victoria Day weekend, and at least two days look good. I am going to try to get out and do a bit of walking. I currently can't walk far, but near or far, I need to do some exercise!
